Le Fart...Musical Diversion

The sun's rays filter in through the slightly parted window shades, casting warm glows on the tousled bed sheets. Outside the birds chirp merrily, an occasional high octave tune carried by the waves of the sun-warmed springtime morning breeze. Inside the room, beneath the sheets, she lay snug in the warmth of the niche carved by their intertwined limbs. A soft smile on her lips, her beauty captivating, even while asleep. The tranquility of the moment was ripped apart by a loud sound… braaaaapp brraaaappp!

"What the hell was that?" She yelled as she scrambled out of the bed in panic.

"Nothing hun, I just messed", He replied bemused.

"You just messed? That was a fart?" The look of shock in her eyes and the tinge of disbelief in her voice was as clear as the call to morning prayer on the streets of Maidugiri.

"Yes o, a belch from the gluteus maximus," he responded happily For some odd reason an image of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings had just popped up in his head and gluteus maximus sounded rather apt as opposed to 'ass'. After all, she started it, who refers to 'mess' as 'fart' anyway?

"Come back to bed jor, you are acting like you've never heard someone mess before,"
But she didn't budge, now the shock in her eyes had given way to a look of suspicion.

"How come I can't smell anything?" She quipped, her voice quavering a little.

Puzzled, he sniffed the air, his nostrils twitching and flaring furiously as he sought the tell-tale scent of toxic human gas.

"Na wah o, see as we are analyzing mess like Sherlock Holmes. Come back to bed boo, it is not that serious. You should be thanking God that the smell is not proportional to the amplitude.", he muttered.

Slowly she backed away from the bed, her eyes darting around the room like a caged prey. Inwards, her brain was screaming in full panic mode, flee while you have the chance, this is exactly how Oscar Pistorius killed his fiancee and blamed it on non-existent house burglars.

Her eyes grew with alarm as she saw the bulge beneath the sheet where he lay. Was that the weapon? To think that she had fallen for this serial killer's charm last night and followed him to his apartment without any suspicion. Chineke, he could have easily killed me while I was overdosed with good sex and sleep. The bastard's eyes were not moving from her right now and he had a glazed maniac expression on his face, the quiet drool of a predator about to pounce, she thought to herself, her panic increasing.

On the bed, he was licking his lips in his best LL Cool J style impression, his mind aflame with thots. Dayuuum! See how she is backing away to run and dive into my bed, he thought. Beneath the sheets, the tell-tale sign of his charged D pushed and strained against the sheet. His eyes glazed over in anticipation as he waited for her, his mind chanting D’Prince’s "take banana”.

Suddenly the pungent smell of the mess wafted to her nose as her back touched the wall. Just then she realized she was naked...

To be continued